valr's Blog

 

 

 

I'm sitting here in only bra and panties on. God, is it good to be home instead of going into to work or do some housework. Ronnie, my partner in crime, is today away to teach private lessons English at two different locations and I'm home alone. Yahoo! Well, I'm getting a lot older now very fast and have scares all over our souls. Quiet reflection is something I like more and more. Just me and my thoughts and my writing. I really need to blog again. Just write it all up and still post it for all to read. And that's, of course, because although most people will disappoint one all the time or just that once one should never give in to it. Never, never despair. Just like in that movie The Duchess in which Georgina, duchess of Devonshire was not only betrayed by her husband, her mother but worst of all by her best friend at one time or another. Although those kinds of betrayals are very bad, I think that ultimate betrayal of oneself is the worst. As homo sapiens we can be but weak animals. Lately I've been letting myself down. I need to change my ways back quickly. I don't have a run daily yet but Ronnie has cut my food back to some more healthy stuff plus natural supplements. There's this Chinese drink that gives me an extra boost in the morning to overcome my tiredness. That's all stress related, of course. And there's added stress now in my household because Ronnie is going for IVF this year. Having no children ourselves does hurt when we see other couples with them. Because of our age the chance isn't great. Lets hope that God will allow us to experience that joy one day. I know that kids can be real pains at times but they're a joy too, more so actually. At our workplace we're both been confronted with the two sides of the coin alright. It's been a very funny time lately. Ronnie has gotten a bit more lucky with her aim of teaching in schools here, and personally, well, I'm been down and out. I don't know why or how, but I've turned into one old crazy person. Pretty intelligent, yes, but I can't put it in simple enough words for others to follow the meaning of my arguments. I do have it difficult with language. Putting my thoughts in words. Perhaps it's also because of my overall mood these days. I need to get back to running my socks off and studying my brain into overdrive. I want to get a history degree in history with the Open University. But the cost of it is so very high. I do get also terribly tired with all the stupid people around me at work and any where else. At times I just simply ignore them and say that I understand myself very well indeed, thank you very much. My youngest co-worker was my last victim. When I told her about my experience of seeing one enormous black cat sitting on my pillow during the night before she started smirking and asked me if I was superstitious. I told her that I was a Christian. First of all human, then Christian and only last Catholic. And then about seeing a terrible roadside kill the other day too. I know that it was wrong of me to get so snappy or simply so very unkind, but my blood was up at that point. I don't like people smirking, period. Quite ordinary people are actually loosing simple knowledge and common sense so very quickly. One doesn't try to put the other person down because they are different, or yes, tell one a strange story. Bad parenting? The agreed opinion was only recently that it wasn't and that children need to find things out on their own. I tell you that things are gonna change, and that will come sooner than later. In conversation with various people they all tell the same thing. Bad parents and bad teachers. Oh well, once I had the great idea of keeping a diary. Then I noticed that I hated talking to myself. I don't need to repeat a day that has already past, nor get myself trapped into a world of my own making. That's something I did quite often when I was a child. Looking back I still feel the loneliness of days past then. Today I have a job, I have a partner, I have my own home, I have my own pets, etc. Today my days play themselves out in between the library and my home. The garden for one is still a mess. That's of course because of our cash flow problem. No, we're not poor but some more income would come in handy. This week the carpenter should come with his offer to replace our front windows and front door. I had to choose triple glass not only because of the heat loss reduction but also the noise reduction. Only a couple meters away of the windows there is a very busy and noisy highway after all. Thus this is on my mind right now. I guess that all my own savings will go into that. Ronnie is planning to get more income by aiming for a teaching job in a school and I can perhaps get a little raise too. Our little cottage was built just before the second world war and our wooden staircase was almost totally destroyed by a bomb aimed at the old local train station some two hundred meters away. Allied bombs, of course. They bombed the whole railway system just before and all the way after the big landing in Normandy. Right now there's a movie on the MGM TV channel that's just made to fit into my letter here. It's The train of 1964 with Burt Lancaster, Jeanne Moreau and Paul Scolfield. It's about a train carrying the artwork of France to Germany just before the Allies were going to liberate Paris. The buildings were going to be destroyed and the paintings transferred to Germany. There are some really terrific scenes in the movie that are so very representative of what the resistance did during the second world war. Making sure that the Nazis didn't get their hands on the great paintings of the Louvre was indeed one of their major achievements. Another two in my own country were the destruction of the main Belgian archives holding the personal details of every person that the Germans wanted to round up, and the hold up of the last German train going direct to Auschwitz by only three young country bumpkins. Oh well, I always get very emotional by the stories. Stories told by my grandmother and stories heard by others. Most people just tried to survive the hard times. Today's young people don't have a clue about what really happens when one needs to do extraordinary deeds. Great ones like liberating Jewish people from a certain death and smaller ones like carving a dead horse on the street to feed one's family. About the movie I must also admit that I've always found Jeanne Moreau so very sexy. Three great actors in one excellent movie about history, art and doing the right thing. That's my kind of movie. Only yesterday Ronnie told me that I'm a great one to have around to do the right thing. Poor me, too sensitive and then still almost always casted in the supporting role. Nah, can't be that I feel so sorry about myself like that. I guess that's why God created a monster like sensuality. To upset the down turn caused by being too sensitive. How my mind and mood changes when I'm thinking and doing something sensual. Oh yes, one can fill in about anything in the ... that sensuality stands for. Glorious moments. Perhaps you can think of some. Do you mind sharing those? Nothing too vulgar, mind you. Here's one of my own making. I've just checked on the site of Caledonian MacBrayne ferries and one can still buy an island hopping ticket with them. One month hopping from island to island up there. That would be heaven, wouldn't it? Yes, I know that I can be a bit silly but that naughty thought there of using quite ordinary ferries as a cruise does make me feel alive now. Just like sitting in the Royal hotel in Oban last year and looking out onto the town during our hiking holiday up in Scotland last year. The little sensual pleasures. They don't need to be straightforward sexual although I did wear a very sensual bodystocking underneath my hiking outfit at the time too. I actually walked up Ben Nevish in one. It's just nice and warm around my old flesh and bones.